Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Low Point

This will probably be the most unedited, emotional mess of a post yet. I'm at a loss for what to do. I keep building myself up only to have the pain return. I dropped $200 on swimming stuff Tuesday. Flippers, kickboard, new goggles, 2 suits because I lost one and other is severely stretched out. Swam my first 1000 yards of the year, mostly with flippers, feeling like I was cheating having them on, but whatever my hips are weak. I took Advil later. The pain burned and gnawed at my groin for the rest of the day. Yeah. Groin. I have fucking groin pain. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable and so painful. Pain that just burns and feels like someone is pressing between my lady bits and the beginning my thigh. If I sit too long it hurts, if I walk too long it hurts, if my back isn't straight, if my legs aren't a certain way, it hurts. It hurts every fucking day and I'm just so sick of it.
I've been pouring time and money into PT. Into yoga. I try to do my exercises but then I'll have a day where I've gone to PT and it still burns, and I'm left wondering if I'm getting worse or better. Yoga hurt. Elliptical hurts. Swimming hurts. I just want to move again. My body is slowly turning all the muscle I worked so hard for, 2 hours a week for almost a year, and I'm watching it disappear every week that goes by. I haven't gained weight, but it's obvious my abs are weak again, my legs are no longer taut, it's just all going to shit. I know I should do ab work, and it would really help, but it's so hard to motivate myself to do it, to go to the gym especially when no cardio is involved. It's gotten to the point that I see runners as I drive around town and start to cry. Because I can't do that anymore. It all seems like another life. It's so stupid, so stupid to cry over a muscle injury. There are people out there with missing limbs, who have to have surgery, and yet here I am whining over this stupid, lame injury. I feel like a total dick and helpless at the same time. My boyfriend, who has been a saint, has been there to pick me up every time I have a day like this where I just fall into fits of frustration and tears. He's been amazing and I'm so sick of being Debbie Downer.
I want definite answers. I want someone to go "do this, this and this daily", and have it actually work. I hate these down days. I hate whining. I hate that it just takes over and I don't know how to deal with it.