Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Low Point

This will probably be the most unedited, emotional mess of a post yet. I'm at a loss for what to do. I keep building myself up only to have the pain return. I dropped $200 on swimming stuff Tuesday. Flippers, kickboard, new goggles, 2 suits because I lost one and other is severely stretched out. Swam my first 1000 yards of the year, mostly with flippers, feeling like I was cheating having them on, but whatever my hips are weak. I took Advil later. The pain burned and gnawed at my groin for the rest of the day. Yeah. Groin. I have fucking groin pain. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable and so painful. Pain that just burns and feels like someone is pressing between my lady bits and the beginning my thigh. If I sit too long it hurts, if I walk too long it hurts, if my back isn't straight, if my legs aren't a certain way, it hurts. It hurts every fucking day and I'm just so sick of it.
I've been pouring time and money into PT. Into yoga. I try to do my exercises but then I'll have a day where I've gone to PT and it still burns, and I'm left wondering if I'm getting worse or better. Yoga hurt. Elliptical hurts. Swimming hurts. I just want to move again. My body is slowly turning all the muscle I worked so hard for, 2 hours a week for almost a year, and I'm watching it disappear every week that goes by. I haven't gained weight, but it's obvious my abs are weak again, my legs are no longer taut, it's just all going to shit. I know I should do ab work, and it would really help, but it's so hard to motivate myself to do it, to go to the gym especially when no cardio is involved. It's gotten to the point that I see runners as I drive around town and start to cry. Because I can't do that anymore. It all seems like another life. It's so stupid, so stupid to cry over a muscle injury. There are people out there with missing limbs, who have to have surgery, and yet here I am whining over this stupid, lame injury. I feel like a total dick and helpless at the same time. My boyfriend, who has been a saint, has been there to pick me up every time I have a day like this where I just fall into fits of frustration and tears. He's been amazing and I'm so sick of being Debbie Downer.
I want definite answers. I want someone to go "do this, this and this daily", and have it actually work. I hate these down days. I hate whining. I hate that it just takes over and I don't know how to deal with it.

4 comments:

Jeff,  February 24, 2010 at 7:36 PM  

You might have a hernia (?) Hmmm Im sorry to hear this heather :(

Charivarius February 24, 2010 at 9:40 PM  

Sometimes you need to let go of it, let your body heal. When I got back from Afghanistan I was doing 35 miles over the weekdays, recoving on the weekends. Got down to 7 minute miles in 5-8 mile increments, or 6 minute miles in 2-3 mile increments. Got shin splints for the first time in my life. Couldn't run for a month and a half. It was awful, not running. Watching all my hard-earned work melt away. But I gave my left leg the time it needed to heal. Started running again a few months later, and now--not back to that peak, but I can push it pretty well. I guess what I'm saying is give your body the space it needs to get healthy. Don't try to push it too early.

Anonymous,  March 1, 2010 at 10:44 AM  

heather,

so sorry to hear you're in so much pain. i liked what the last person said about giving your body a rest, it can make a world of difference.

i've been struggling with my own medical shit - kidney disfunction, gout, and probably arthritis. my ankle's been perpetually swollen and painful for over a year now, resulting in no physical activity, along with meds that cause weight gain. its been a frustrating year to say the least.

im hoping im coming to the end of it all, but if there's one thing i've learned -- and to be sure, there are those with far worse probs than mine -- its that regardless of what you want, your body will heal when its ready. you can do what you can, but at a certain point it has to be a change in the way you think about it, rather than expecting yourself to be better overnight.

i really hope you're feeling better soon

good luck!

- zjp

Lia March 12, 2011 at 10:22 AM  

I can so relate, I found your blog looking up just about the same thing for myself. I injured my ankle about 2 years ago - running I think, and did not rest it... I stopped running and switched to the bike and elliptical, but that hurt, so I started swimming for a while, until that started to hurt my back/hip, so I cut it down and added yoga, which didn't help much and also hurts. I just gave up this week and stopped everything and have ice on me as I type - because its hurting just sitting... we can send people to the moon, but the doctors can't find a way to fix stupid sports injuries! So frustrated this week, glad at least I'm not alone (though not glad you are in pain!). I hope you find an answer!