Falling Open

I've added to my New Year's resolutions: At least one blog post a month! Honestly though I have so much to write about these days I want to do more. With my semester starting tomorrow, I thought I'd at least try to get one more post in. I've been successful in keeping up with yoga as a daily practice. Even though it's only been a few weeks since I've started I already feel a lot of rewards. Taking a half hour or more every day for myself has been important. "Me Time" has been one of the things I've missed the most about my previous gym rat lifestyle. Yoga has helped me gain more acceptance of myself. At the end of every practice, when the old thoughts of "Oh this isn't enough of a workout, do more" begin to rise I tell myself, "This is enough, I am enough." Then I think about all the benefits one can attain just from yoga practice and I feel so much better about myself and where I am right now.

We've all had our memory jogged by places and scents. Through daily practice I've found that my memory and emotions can be brought forth by poses. Every time I'm in Downward Facing Dog and I move my left leg forward so it's between my hands to do a lunge, I am so grateful. A month after surgery that pose was impossible for me. Now it's a reminder of healing, of progress and hope. Most days, when I do Baddha Konasana I find my left knee coming closer and closer to the ground. And some days, I'm tight, and it doesn't go so far. I don't get discouraged as much anymore. I know that each day my body is different and especially now that my hip is going through ART (Active Release Technique). Muscles are loosening, scar tissue is releasing, there is a lot going on and that's just in my hip!

Besides doing yoga I've been focusing on a "detoxifying diet"*. Most days I have a green smoothie that consists of kale, broccoli sprouts, tart cherry juice, fiber supplement with probiotics, shredded carrots, aloe juice, frozen blueberries and frozen mangoes. Some days I also try to add brown rice protein. This smoothie is a combination of foods that help both my stomach (the now latent gastritis/h. pylori) and reduce inflammation. I recently found out that broccoli sprouts are really good for controlling h. pylori, which is awesome! I'd rather have broccoli sprouts as a preventative than take Mastic Gum and Monolaurin when I feel symptoms acting up (as in when it's already too late). I've been eating a later, "second breakfast" of oatmeal with flaxseeds and raisins or craisins to keep me going until lunch time. Most recently I've tried to make quinoa for breakfast, and I've got to admit I really like it! I've been doing really well at making big, filling, delicious salads with some help from my friend Diana and Gena at Choosing Raw's awesome blog post "How to Build a Meal Sized Salad". In a world where I have all the free time I could want, I would love to write about different foods, their benefits and how to integrate them into your diet.

Last Saturday was the first day in three months that I didn't have noticeable hip pain! I spent most of the day so happy, so grateful that I'm feeling proof that all my efforts, all the pain I go through in ART is paying off. Overall I've seen a significant decrease in my daily aches and pains. I know that I'm going to continue to have ups and downs, but I feel I'm doing everything I can mentally and physically to push through the hard days. I know now that if I push myself too hard, even if its doing upper body strength training, it can set off a chain of reactions within me that can send my body back months. I hope to continue all the hard work I've been doing this winter break and keep with it through this next semester – hell, through the rest of my life.

I must note that the title of this post comes from a yoga philosophy blog by the same name that I have recently discovered and really enjoy. I've been working a lot at opening myself, to my own body and to those around me. It's just another way I've been trying to heal and that's helped by yoga practice. I've come across a lot of blogs and such that I really enjoy and have made an impact on me. Please check out:
The Everything Yoga Blog
Jennifer O'Sullivan at iHanuman
Flying Yogini
Brené Brown's TED Talk

* Note: I don't mean "detox" like I'm following some set plan by some guru, quack, former model, current celebrity where I drink water with maple syrup and lemon juice, fast for days, subsist on juices or anything like that. I mean "detox" in the sense that through research I've mish-mashed together an idea of foods that are good for me. Some of this has been through trial and error since I've started eating a healthy, mostly plant-based diet: Eating what I've noticed my body likes and avoiding what my body doesn't like. The main foods I avoid: sugar, dairy, coffee and alcohol. All of which are foods that increase inflammation. Oh and I've added in a lot more greens and antioxidant rich foods, ie foods that reduce inflammation.

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8 Weeks Post-Op

I feel this obligation to say, "I'm sorry, I wanted blog more often..." It would have been a great resource to blog every week about my progress, but honestly, I wasn't up for the emotional toll. A few friends have asked why I haven't been blogging more. The answer is that I've been focusing much of my free time on getting better. When I do have the time to take it easy, I do. Writing isn't easy when there aren't a lot of fun things to talk about. I don't want this to become a place to vent and seek pity. That being said, the weeks that have passed since I last wrote haven't been easy.

As much as Twitter seems like a useless social arena, it will definitely be helping me write this post. According to my "tweets" May 21st was the first time I got into the pool post-surgery. I felt bad getting to the pool a month after surgery. My doctor and my PT wanted me in there as soon as my stitches were out. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I was exhausted and miserable. It took me about 5 weeks to get off the crutches, a little longer than expected. Everything involving this healing process has been slow and patience has never been one of my virtues. So, I'm making it one. I've been making a lot of changes in my life these past few weeks. I'm trying to be more positive and focusing less on the end goal of doing triathlons again, and more on the present.

Three weeks ago I started doing yoga again. I did some Instant Watch yoga DVDs from Netflix. Then I downloaded a yoga app for my iPod Touch called Pocket Yoga. I figured spending $2.99 was better than spending $15 - 20 a session on a yoga class. It was difficult at first to do a 30 minute session. I remember taking things very slowly, and even a simple pose like "Child's Pose" was hard to do. Since then, yoga has become easier and I'm noticing improvements in my flexibility. Even my PT has noticed added strength as well as the flexibility. The yoga has been great for me mentally as well. Not only does it help to alleviate some of the massive amounts of stress I've experiencing, but seeing the little improvements as well as doing something physically active (albeit slow) makes me feel like I'm making progress.

After Pocket Yoga, I kind of went app crazy. My iPod Touch has now turned into my iZen. I have several different yoga apps on there. The best one is Hatha Yoga which is a pricey app at $9.99. It is the most authentic/traditional yoga app available. You can customize your own yoga sessions, the stop-motion video of the woman doing yoga are well done, and the audio instruction is very good. I have customized the standard session to have more poses that are beneficial for opening my hips and taken out the ones that are too hard for me right now. The yoga has also helped with the back pain I've been having from the epidural.

I have also downloaded some apps to help with meditation. My favorite being iSamadhi which is a meditation timer and journal. I started practicing meditation after I realized that the emotional after effects of this injury and the surgery were becoming too much for me. I was letting the pain and the negativity overwhelm me, own me. I have felt a large range of emotions in dealing with this. A huge part of it is guilt. There are people out there in far worse circumstances than I. Why does this feel so huge? So terrible at times? I'm not paralyzed, I can walk and will most likely be able to go on to doing triathlons again. I feel stupid and selfish for feeling so upset at times. I know I have a history of depression, which is usually just letting myself consume me. Does that make sense? Depression, for me, is letting my sad emotions overpower happiness or even just simply being. I give more importance to the depressive feelings than any other feelings. I feel they must be dealt with, but in the past I've dealt with them just by rolling around in them for weeks, months, years at a time.

Meditation gives me a break from focusing on those emotions. Just 10 minutes or so spent focusing on my breath, on the present has made such a difference. I have been interested in Eastern... well... everything ever since I was a child. Yoga is something I practice, then let go of, then return to. While I don't consider myself a Buddhist, I do like to read about it and about practicing mindfulness. There are certain negative stigmas attached to meditation and yoga... perhaps you're thinking, "Shit, Heather's gone all hocus pocus." If I could I'd show you 11 year old Heather off in the woods burning leaves and calling herself a Wiccan, I'd say: "No. That's hocus pocus Heather." Also, you can be an atheist and still believe in the benefits of meditation and mindfulness. (Shout out to Stephen Batchelor.) In any event, I'm feeling a bit more positive about things, even when I have setbacks.

My current setback is a "groin pull". YAY! Another opportunity for me to say "groin"! You know how I love to say it. Anyway, these past few days my walking has been going downhill. As much as I tried to hide it, a couple coworkers asked me if I was okay. I've been having trouble starting to walk after sitting, then I had trouble walking at all. I hoped a trip to the pool yesterday after work would help, but alas after swimming, doing my water walking and hip exercises I hobbled to the hot tub. When I went to PT today I had to have another therapist because my usual one is at a conference (One part of the conference is focused on my surgery, that's how common it's becoming). I told the assistant PT about how bad the pain and walking has been, and so the PT took a look.

She touched the spot where I've been having the most pain and exclaimed how tight it was. She started to massage it, and I started to do deep breathing exercises. It was incredibly painful. She took me to a private room, and continued to massage the tight areas. I had tears streaming down my face as I focused on my breath. Yeah, it was painful but it had to be done. After ultra-sound and ice, my walking was already improved. I'm to ice 3 - 4 times a day for the next week and lay off exercises, even yoga for a couple days. I'm relieved that the pain wasn't from my surgery, like it was failing or I did something wrong. The worst days have been the ones where I've been scared of a pop or pain and worried that the surgery didn't "keep".

Besides the hip, I finished my first semester of grad school with As. I'm quite proud and feeling confident about that part of my life. I'm currently taking a summer course online which is overwhelming right now. I'm hoping I get used to the format in a couple weeks. The above picture is me ripping the dance floor up to Lady Gaga at my friend Maura's wedding. It's hard to tell from the back but she looked absolutely gorgeous. It was the best wedding I've been to. Congrats again you two!

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