Nearing the Two Year Surgiversary

No more apologies for not posting, I'm just too busy. BUT I found out this blog is pretty high ranking in search results for hip labral tears, so I feel obligated to post about things that work. I still have pain but I've found the biggest relief from a few things. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Yoga. But not intense full sessions every day. Taking the time to just do a few helpful poses, just making sure things are loose works wonders.



2. THIS. Daily. Plus Arnica gel. You can find the Joint Balm here. Massage, massage, massage. My biggest issue has been scar tissue from surgery clinging onto my already tight psoas. My amazing massage therapist can actually feel the tightness running all the way down my left (surgery) leg into my foot. And I can definitely attest to the pain when she works on it, it's there. The best way to heal is to move and massage. I can't stress it enough.



3. Breathe, breathe, breathe. And do this pose! But be gentle. I recently realized (Yup, it took me almost 2 years...) that I subconsciously tighten/pull around my surgery area. This is my subconscious way of protecting the area. Tightening it is my reaction to the fear of letting go, my fear of re-injury. Unfortunately this was only causing me more pain and as soon as I made a conscious effort daily to notice this tightening and taking the time to let go and breathe... relax, the less pain I had. I also notice during high-stress days I tighten this area more, so I've made a conscious effort that when I'm really feeling stressed to take note of my hip and how it feels and take the time to let go.

4. Designs for Health - Inflammatone: I know it totally looks sketchy (update: their redesigned product is far less sketchy) but I absolutely love this product. It was initially recommended to me by my ART/chiropractor and I have been buying it in bulk on Amazon. The formula includes: Protease, Turmeric, Boswellia, Ginger, Quercetin and Rosemary Extract. Before I came across this product I was taking those ingredients (except for rosemary extract) in individual pills. I found that this combination worked for me but it was annoying to carry around all the pills. I casually mentioned this to my my doctor and he was like, "I think we carry a product with all those ingredient." and voila, my love affair with Inflammatone began. The best part about it? The ingredients are also good for my gastritis/stomach issues. It's like those old Tums commercials, "It's something my body needs anyway." Indeed.

So there you have it, four tips for healing from hip FAI, post-labral tear surgery.

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Falling Open

I've added to my New Year's resolutions: At least one blog post a month! Honestly though I have so much to write about these days I want to do more. With my semester starting tomorrow, I thought I'd at least try to get one more post in. I've been successful in keeping up with yoga as a daily practice. Even though it's only been a few weeks since I've started I already feel a lot of rewards. Taking a half hour or more every day for myself has been important. "Me Time" has been one of the things I've missed the most about my previous gym rat lifestyle. Yoga has helped me gain more acceptance of myself. At the end of every practice, when the old thoughts of "Oh this isn't enough of a workout, do more" begin to rise I tell myself, "This is enough, I am enough." Then I think about all the benefits one can attain just from yoga practice and I feel so much better about myself and where I am right now.

We've all had our memory jogged by places and scents. Through daily practice I've found that my memory and emotions can be brought forth by poses. Every time I'm in Downward Facing Dog and I move my left leg forward so it's between my hands to do a lunge, I am so grateful. A month after surgery that pose was impossible for me. Now it's a reminder of healing, of progress and hope. Most days, when I do Baddha Konasana I find my left knee coming closer and closer to the ground. And some days, I'm tight, and it doesn't go so far. I don't get discouraged as much anymore. I know that each day my body is different and especially now that my hip is going through ART (Active Release Technique). Muscles are loosening, scar tissue is releasing, there is a lot going on and that's just in my hip!

Besides doing yoga I've been focusing on a "detoxifying diet"*. Most days I have a green smoothie that consists of kale, broccoli sprouts, tart cherry juice, fiber supplement with probiotics, shredded carrots, aloe juice, frozen blueberries and frozen mangoes. Some days I also try to add brown rice protein. This smoothie is a combination of foods that help both my stomach (the now latent gastritis/h. pylori) and reduce inflammation. I recently found out that broccoli sprouts are really good for controlling h. pylori, which is awesome! I'd rather have broccoli sprouts as a preventative than take Mastic Gum and Monolaurin when I feel symptoms acting up (as in when it's already too late). I've been eating a later, "second breakfast" of oatmeal with flaxseeds and raisins or craisins to keep me going until lunch time. Most recently I've tried to make quinoa for breakfast, and I've got to admit I really like it! I've been doing really well at making big, filling, delicious salads with some help from my friend Diana and Gena at Choosing Raw's awesome blog post "How to Build a Meal Sized Salad". In a world where I have all the free time I could want, I would love to write about different foods, their benefits and how to integrate them into your diet.

Last Saturday was the first day in three months that I didn't have noticeable hip pain! I spent most of the day so happy, so grateful that I'm feeling proof that all my efforts, all the pain I go through in ART is paying off. Overall I've seen a significant decrease in my daily aches and pains. I know that I'm going to continue to have ups and downs, but I feel I'm doing everything I can mentally and physically to push through the hard days. I know now that if I push myself too hard, even if its doing upper body strength training, it can set off a chain of reactions within me that can send my body back months. I hope to continue all the hard work I've been doing this winter break and keep with it through this next semester – hell, through the rest of my life.

I must note that the title of this post comes from a yoga philosophy blog by the same name that I have recently discovered and really enjoy. I've been working a lot at opening myself, to my own body and to those around me. It's just another way I've been trying to heal and that's helped by yoga practice. I've come across a lot of blogs and such that I really enjoy and have made an impact on me. Please check out:
The Everything Yoga Blog
Jennifer O'Sullivan at iHanuman
Flying Yogini
Brené Brown's TED Talk

* Note: I don't mean "detox" like I'm following some set plan by some guru, quack, former model, current celebrity where I drink water with maple syrup and lemon juice, fast for days, subsist on juices or anything like that. I mean "detox" in the sense that through research I've mish-mashed together an idea of foods that are good for me. Some of this has been through trial and error since I've started eating a healthy, mostly plant-based diet: Eating what I've noticed my body likes and avoiding what my body doesn't like. The main foods I avoid: sugar, dairy, coffee and alcohol. All of which are foods that increase inflammation. Oh and I've added in a lot more greens and antioxidant rich foods, ie foods that reduce inflammation.

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9 Months Post-Op

Three months have passed since my last post, and not that much has changed. The cortisone shot that I had didn't do anything. Bad News: I received no relief from the pain. Good News: That means the pain isn't coming from my hip joint. It was good to know that I could stop worrying about the actual hip joint and focus on the muscles around my hip. Through regular massage via the amazing Jessica (intuitivelotus.com) and tennis ball humping I was as close to pain-free as I've been since before the tear. A week or so before Thanksgiving I was feeling so much better that... I started running. Yes! Running! I ran a mile in 15 minutes or so, ok... that's not running that's "jogging" or whatever, but in any event I was going in a forward direction faster than walking. Muscle memory is incredible. Although I hadn't ran in a year I felt my body moving as though only a few weeks had passed. I had to keep slowing myself down. My whole body tingled with glee on that first "run". I ran again that week, two miles in one week after almost a year of zero.

On Thanksgiving, with my boyfriend's family acting supportive but worried, I went out into the freezing rain and ran a mile. It felt awesome although it was simultaneously freezing. Unfortunately the next day I went to the gym, and I pushed myself a little too far. I'm not mad at myself. I have to relearn my boundaries every day. Every day is a test of what I can and can't do. There is no clear forward/linear direction in this healing process. (I will get to more of that later.) So I overdid it at the gym not running (I stopped when I was starting to have the old shooting pains, my hip had had enough.) but with tiny stupid weights. I was trying to strengthen my back and triceps to prepare for swimming again. I am completely useless in the water unless I have built up my arms and back. I ended up pulling the muscle that runs along the bottom of the scapula; so badly in fact that I had to take muscle relaxers and sit with a heating pad on my back for a week. After several days of using the heating pad, then doing the yoga pose plow, my back returned to normal – but my hip returned to a near constant state of pain. I'm sure the fact that I pulled a muscle that is right next to where my psoas connects to my spine did not help my situation.

I went to a follow-up appointment with my orthopedic a few weeks ago. Luckily (or not so luckily) the pain in my groin was flaring pretty bad that morning. I made my doctor feel where I was experiencing the pain. The thing with orthos is, no matter how great they are, they are concerned with bones and joints, that's it. The surrounding muscle and fascia could be on the moon for all they care. Once he felt where the muscle was pulling he had a very surprised expression on his face. "It's... it's like a cord! That's... impressive!" "That's not impressive," I responded, "it f*cking hurts!" He decided to refer me to Dr.Orefice at Active Health. I went to my first appointment with Dr.Orefice last week. He decided that he will mostly be using ART or Active Release Techniques to help my psoas calm down and break up scar tissue. I really hope that this is finally the procedure I need to break up the sh*t residing in my hip. During the first visit, even though it was painful I felt that he was getting to the major sources of my pain. OK, so what is ART and how does it work?

From Active Health's website:
"ART providers utilize highly developed tactile skills and knowledge of physiological symptom patterns to locate scar tissue adhesions on and in between muscles and nerves. A precise hand or thumb contact is applied to the correct area (tension to the tissue) and the recipient is directed to move the effected region of the body through a specific range of motion (muscle is shortened then lengthened). This causes the muscles to slide under the ART providers contact. This technique has proven to rapidly break up scar tissue and yield recovery of many types of soft tissue pain conditions found in the work place and in sports."

2010 was a long and frustrating year. I've decided that this year, in order to better deal with my pain and anxiety issues I will try to be a more faithful yogi. I came across the book "A Year of Living Your Yoga: Daily Practices to Shape Your Life" by Judith Hanson. As I was searching to see if there were any blogs that reviewed 'A Year of Living Your Yoga', I came across a blog called Yoga Dork. Yoga Dork is just one of the blogs trying to practice yoga daily and put into practice Hanson's daily insights to approaching life and yoga. So I will be trying to do yoga every day, on days where my psoas/hips are really tight I will be practicing my new favorite type of yoga: yin yoga.

I've been doing home practice since most of the yoga classes in this area (at times I'm available) are vinyasa. Though every teacher is different, I've found that most vinyasa classes move too quickly. I've always preferred slower paced yoga, being able to stay in poses and really enjoy their full benefit. I've noticed great improvement in my flexibility since practicing yoga regularly a month or so after the surgery and now. Practicing has made me grateful for how far I've come. Even though I still experience pain, my hip has more flexibility and is able to do more poses without modifications.

I set up an account with MyYogaOnline.com so that I can practice using their videos. MyYogaOnline provides videos of a wide variety of yoga styles. Classes range from a quick 15 minutes to longer hour and a half sessions. They also have pilates videos and guided meditations. This year, besides continuing with grad school, I hope to make further progress in my recovery. It is my intention that through regular yoga practice I can learn to be more patient with my body and regain a higher awareness of its ups and downs, and learn to respect whatever it may be able to do day by day.

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6 Months Post-Op

So, to say I've gotten a little behind in blogging is quite the understatement. School, work, life, post-surgery care have all been much more important to focus on than this blog. When I have any spare time, I'm trying to do PT or exercise or just RELAX! I also haven't had a lot of fun and happy things to report. My recovery is going much slower than I was told and I'm still having pain. The pain is pretty persistent in my groin, on the front of my leg where my hip and upper thigh meet, and my butt. I have been trying everything to help with the pain. Natural remedies, not so natural remedies, pilates, yoga, massage, you name it. AETNA, who are BASTARDS, will not give me any more PT sessions. My doctor prescribed more sessions, my PT submitted all the necessary info, but Aetna won't call my PT back, or even ANSWER THE PHONE. My PT has tried for months, and they've gotten no word back about more appointments. I'm pretty much disgusted by the whole thing.

A few weeks ago, my doctor sent me for another MRI. This MRI sucked in a few ways. First, the contrast shot hurt a lot more than I remembered. My knee felt completely locked and I hobbled for a good 5 hours after. Secondly, they did a crap job taking the images. My first MRI is so much clearer than this latest one. There's only one decent image of what's going on. As you can see there's a bunch of black crap around my labrum, which had me freaking out. My surgeon was worried too, so he took an X-Ray when I saw him a week after the MRI. He thinks that the black areas are the MRI's reaction to the sutures in my hip, because they have a little, very fine, bit of metal in them. I'm hoping he's right, though it did worry me that he was so nervous about it. I feel a bit assured though that that's what it is, because my boyfriend's father looked at the MRI images before I saw my doctor (he was an occupational therapist) and thought that's what the mysterious black areas were too.

After spending the money on an MRI and another doctor's visit, and the pain I went through to have the MRI, I was really hoping my doctor would have some answers. He didn't. "It could be this, it could be this, we know it's probably not this..." I was/am really disappointed. I want a name to call this pain. I want to just hear "hip tendonitis" or SOMETHING. But he doesn't want to make any decisions until he knows more. So I'm getting a cortisone shot next Tuesday, in my hip joint. I'm not really pleased about this, especially since I think the real issue is my hip tendon. I want that shot there, where my doctor was thinking of putting it before the MRI. I've seen two massage therapists and they both exclaimed surprise when they've gotten to my hip tendon/abductors. It's so tight, all the time, I stretch as much as I can. Some days I just want to rip my leg off. Both massage therapists have recommended tennis ball therapy, where basically, I put a tennis ball on my groin/hip area and hump a wall, rolling the ball up and down. It's really uncomfortable and I can assure you it's not as much fun as it sounds.

So that's where I am. Clueless. I realized the other day that this week a year ago, is when I felt the "big tear". I'm sure my labrum was beat to hell, but I definitely felt it completely go. I don't know what to feel about the surgery at this point. I'm sure it had to be repaired, 4cm just flapping around isn't going to heal by itself. But to still be in pain... it's really disappointing and it makes me worry I will never run again. Part of me has been preparing for that to be the reality of things. It's been hard too because I know if I had more time to do PT, pilates, yoga, tennis ball humping and other things that help, I would be in less pain. If I had more money I'd get massage therapy once a week. I hope to update more often, since it seems a lot of people on the Facebook group "Understanding Hip Impingement, FAI" (yes, there is such a thing) are experiencing similar issues. It has been a source of comfort to know that I'm not alone and that other people are out there, with this weird, pretty obscure, f**king annoying orthopedic issue.

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8 Weeks Post-Op

I feel this obligation to say, "I'm sorry, I wanted blog more often..." It would have been a great resource to blog every week about my progress, but honestly, I wasn't up for the emotional toll. A few friends have asked why I haven't been blogging more. The answer is that I've been focusing much of my free time on getting better. When I do have the time to take it easy, I do. Writing isn't easy when there aren't a lot of fun things to talk about. I don't want this to become a place to vent and seek pity. That being said, the weeks that have passed since I last wrote haven't been easy.

As much as Twitter seems like a useless social arena, it will definitely be helping me write this post. According to my "tweets" May 21st was the first time I got into the pool post-surgery. I felt bad getting to the pool a month after surgery. My doctor and my PT wanted me in there as soon as my stitches were out. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I was exhausted and miserable. It took me about 5 weeks to get off the crutches, a little longer than expected. Everything involving this healing process has been slow and patience has never been one of my virtues. So, I'm making it one. I've been making a lot of changes in my life these past few weeks. I'm trying to be more positive and focusing less on the end goal of doing triathlons again, and more on the present.

Three weeks ago I started doing yoga again. I did some Instant Watch yoga DVDs from Netflix. Then I downloaded a yoga app for my iPod Touch called Pocket Yoga. I figured spending $2.99 was better than spending $15 - 20 a session on a yoga class. It was difficult at first to do a 30 minute session. I remember taking things very slowly, and even a simple pose like "Child's Pose" was hard to do. Since then, yoga has become easier and I'm noticing improvements in my flexibility. Even my PT has noticed added strength as well as the flexibility. The yoga has been great for me mentally as well. Not only does it help to alleviate some of the massive amounts of stress I've experiencing, but seeing the little improvements as well as doing something physically active (albeit slow) makes me feel like I'm making progress.

After Pocket Yoga, I kind of went app crazy. My iPod Touch has now turned into my iZen. I have several different yoga apps on there. The best one is Hatha Yoga which is a pricey app at $9.99. It is the most authentic/traditional yoga app available. You can customize your own yoga sessions, the stop-motion video of the woman doing yoga are well done, and the audio instruction is very good. I have customized the standard session to have more poses that are beneficial for opening my hips and taken out the ones that are too hard for me right now. The yoga has also helped with the back pain I've been having from the epidural.

I have also downloaded some apps to help with meditation. My favorite being iSamadhi which is a meditation timer and journal. I started practicing meditation after I realized that the emotional after effects of this injury and the surgery were becoming too much for me. I was letting the pain and the negativity overwhelm me, own me. I have felt a large range of emotions in dealing with this. A huge part of it is guilt. There are people out there in far worse circumstances than I. Why does this feel so huge? So terrible at times? I'm not paralyzed, I can walk and will most likely be able to go on to doing triathlons again. I feel stupid and selfish for feeling so upset at times. I know I have a history of depression, which is usually just letting myself consume me. Does that make sense? Depression, for me, is letting my sad emotions overpower happiness or even just simply being. I give more importance to the depressive feelings than any other feelings. I feel they must be dealt with, but in the past I've dealt with them just by rolling around in them for weeks, months, years at a time.

Meditation gives me a break from focusing on those emotions. Just 10 minutes or so spent focusing on my breath, on the present has made such a difference. I have been interested in Eastern... well... everything ever since I was a child. Yoga is something I practice, then let go of, then return to. While I don't consider myself a Buddhist, I do like to read about it and about practicing mindfulness. There are certain negative stigmas attached to meditation and yoga... perhaps you're thinking, "Shit, Heather's gone all hocus pocus." If I could I'd show you 11 year old Heather off in the woods burning leaves and calling herself a Wiccan, I'd say: "No. That's hocus pocus Heather." Also, you can be an atheist and still believe in the benefits of meditation and mindfulness. (Shout out to Stephen Batchelor.) In any event, I'm feeling a bit more positive about things, even when I have setbacks.

My current setback is a "groin pull". YAY! Another opportunity for me to say "groin"! You know how I love to say it. Anyway, these past few days my walking has been going downhill. As much as I tried to hide it, a couple coworkers asked me if I was okay. I've been having trouble starting to walk after sitting, then I had trouble walking at all. I hoped a trip to the pool yesterday after work would help, but alas after swimming, doing my water walking and hip exercises I hobbled to the hot tub. When I went to PT today I had to have another therapist because my usual one is at a conference (One part of the conference is focused on my surgery, that's how common it's becoming). I told the assistant PT about how bad the pain and walking has been, and so the PT took a look.

She touched the spot where I've been having the most pain and exclaimed how tight it was. She started to massage it, and I started to do deep breathing exercises. It was incredibly painful. She took me to a private room, and continued to massage the tight areas. I had tears streaming down my face as I focused on my breath. Yeah, it was painful but it had to be done. After ultra-sound and ice, my walking was already improved. I'm to ice 3 - 4 times a day for the next week and lay off exercises, even yoga for a couple days. I'm relieved that the pain wasn't from my surgery, like it was failing or I did something wrong. The worst days have been the ones where I've been scared of a pop or pain and worried that the surgery didn't "keep".

Besides the hip, I finished my first semester of grad school with As. I'm quite proud and feeling confident about that part of my life. I'm currently taking a summer course online which is overwhelming right now. I'm hoping I get used to the format in a couple weeks. The above picture is me ripping the dance floor up to Lady Gaga at my friend Maura's wedding. It's hard to tell from the back but she looked absolutely gorgeous. It was the best wedding I've been to. Congrats again you two!

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First Week Post Labral Tear Surgery

Day 1 Post-Op: After what seemed like an eternity, 8am arrived and so did breakfast. It was gross eggs and gross Cream of Wheat so I didn't eat much. I remember crying at one point because I was just so stressed out and in so much pain. The amazing nurse Steve sat down with me and talked to me for awhile. He said that it was understandable I'd be crying after such a rough night and especially after such little sleep. He also said the pain meds don't help with emotions either, which I've definitely found to be true in the past. He told me about his ACL surgery and how there will be downs but there will also be ups, and recovery will happen though it seems so far away and overwhelming right now. Steve is an incredible nurse, to take the time to sit down and talk to me made me feel so much better.

Some random doctor came in to take the epidural out of my back. It was a quick pinch but my back was so sore it hurt just to lean over so he could take it out. Then my doctor came in to check up on me. He told me I could get on a stationery bike the next day as long as I pedaled with my good leg and left the other leg resting on the pedal. I laughed at that because I was in so much pain I couldn't imagine pedaling. Even a week later I feel uncomfortable with the idea. There's no way I'm getting on my bike (on the stationary trainer) until my hip feels better.

I was barely lucid when physical and occupational therapists came in to teach me how to use crutches. First of all I thought they were insane having me move in the amount of pain I was in. I was on the verge of passing out the entire lesson which consisted of me crutching down the hallway, up a little model of stairs and down, and back to the room. Voila, the entirety of my crutch training. The OT helped me learn how to use the bathroom and put on clothes. At this point I'm allowed to put 20lbs of pressure on my left (operated side) foot, which is basically just touching the foot to the ground.

Soon after they left Scott arrived and nurse Steve came in to answer any of our questions before discharge. Scott grilled Steve on all the medications and everything I (we) should be doing this first week. So glad Scott was there to be so assertive and ask everything. I'm not really good about asking medical staff questions, although I am getting better at it. Also I was still on the verge of passing out so having him there to write things down and clarify was essential. After that I was discharged and a nurse wheeled me out of the hospital.

Most of the day was spent in pretty awful pain and keeping myself from blacking out. From my waist down was still waking up and I was paranoid I was peeing all the time. I couldn't really feel my stomach but I was bloated from all the fluids and meds. My hip was obviously quite swollen. Some lady dropped off the CPM machine at my house, which I talked about a couple posts ago. It moves my leg really slowly from straight out to 45 degrees. It's important to do this (4 - 6 hours a day!) so that my leg doesn't get all knotted up and stiff. Controlled movement helps keep things loose so that I don't have permanent damage. I slept on the couch that night so Scott could have the bed to himself, he was completely exhausted as well. I woke up a few times to the room spinning around and to use the bathroom, which seemed to take a half an hour each time.

Using my CPM wearing the sweet double-sided tread socks the hospital gave me.

Day 2: Wednesday was a good day. I felt pretty positive and was already feeling a bit more mobile. The worst part that day was still feeling bloated from the Percocet. It's gross to talk about but seriously, it's important after surgery to drink a lot of fluids (although getting up and down is a serious pain) and take in fiber, probiotics, fruits & veggies and if necessary a laxative. It's the icky side of surgery that I was grateful other people blogged about, so there you go. I wish I saw this post from Susie at Goodnight Nobody before surgery.

Throughout the week Scott slept at my place so he could make me breakfast and make sure I had what I needed for the day. That usually involves making sure I took my morning pills, leaving a glass of water (or my favorite, coconut water) around my bed and feeding my cat. He also biked over from his job during his lunch breaks to make me lunch. I'm still in awe of how much he's helped me this past week and I don't know how I would've gotten through this without him. He definitely helps to keep me positive and I'm sure that without him I would be a depressive, bitter mess. Later that day my friends Kelly and Jason stopped by to visit me. It was so great to see my friends! Kelly had me laughing so hard I thought my stitches were going to burst.

Day 3: Spent the morning being miserable. For some reason I thought I would be feeling much better than I was. It seemed like before surgery the doctor and other people I had talked to acted like I'd be fine in a few days. I still felt pretty terrible and wondered if I was just being a baby or if its normal to feel so bad. I guess everyone is different when it comes to these things. With a lot of things in life I'm prone to wondering if I'm handling things "okay". Feeling quite helpless has had a way of amplifying my already self-conscious nature.

Scott gave me a massage during his lunch break. My body felt so scrunched up, twisted and gnarled post-surgery. The stress, the actual surgery itself, the epidural and then having to mostly lay in bed left my body so sore and my muscles tight. I started crying it felt so good. Since then I've noticed my body in general has felt a lot better. I highly recommend rubbing sore muscles with Arniflora and Triflora, which are natural topical gels that I've had much success with. I also love the fact that they don't smell like IcyHot or other muscle rubs, they have a light herbal scent. The Arniflora contains arnica and witch hazel. The Triflora contains comfry, poison ivy (yes weird I know, but it shouldn't cause a reaction) and wild rosemary. These two gels also help with bruising. I've been using them since before the surgery and I've noticed my hip usually felt achier if I've forgotten to apply them in the morning. The bruising from the surgery hasn't been so bad. Usually I bruise quite easily and expected my hip to be a purple and black mess, but I've only had light greenish bruising.

Later that day Scott brought me to my first post-op physical therapy session. I am back to going to Excel Physical Therapy in Hamden. I was happy to see my PT again. First thing she said to me was "No wonder you weren't improving!" and she said how happy she was that I got a second opinion and how she knew I wasn't going to stop trying to figure out what was wrong. Scott sat in on the PT session so he could learn along with me what I can and can't do. It's so great to have his active support in my recovery. I was still woozy that day and started to realize the Percocet was causing me to have acute nausea throughout the day. Not enough to make me completely sick, but enough to make me miserable. Anyway, it was great to have Scott there because I still wasn't feeling lucid enough to remember everything my PT told me. She reviewed my crutching and said I was actually doing really well. I was sure I was doing it wrong. I went home feeling really hopeful and positive about my recovery.

Day 4: I was upset once again that I wasn't getting any schoolwork done and was feeling pretty scared about returning to "normal life" in a few days. Avoided the world by watching a lot of stupid TV shows on Hulu. Took my first shower since before the surgery (they wanted me to avoid changing the dressing and showering as long as I could) and felt sort of human.

Day 5: My parents came down to visit. We all went to brunch down at my favorite diner in West Haven. My parents took me to the grocery store and I got to ride the motorized cart. I felt like a jerk when I passed an old woman going the opposite direction in the dairy aisle who was somehow controlling a walker as well as her cart and looked like she was about to fall over. Whatever the cart is as fun as it looks. My parents cleaned around the apartment while I fell asleep, the events of the day had worn me out. Most of the day was spent feeling nauseous from the Percocet, even though at this point I'm only taking one at night and dealing with the pain during the day.


Day 6: My parents stayed at a local hotel so they could see me two whole days in a row. We went to lunch and my parents proceeded to clean even more of my apartment while I rested and used the CPM. Finally did some schoolwork that night and started to feel better about returning to "normal life". Decided not to take a Percocet before bed so I'd feel better about driving the next day. Took a Benadryl because I've been spending a lot more time with my cat Björk this past week. I slept pretty well for the first night since surgery, I think the Benadryl helped.

Day 7: I went to my second post-surgery PT session in the morning. My PT says I'm already showing increased movement and I'm doing well. We went over my exercises again and she answered some questions I had. Called my doctor's office complaining about the Percocet. Now I have a prescription for Vicodin, so I will be taking my first one tonight. Hopefully it will treat me better. I have been in pretty significant pain most of the day. When my parents were here they gave me their TENS (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator) machine. My PT uses one on me, but the one I have is a little consumer model. It's the size of a beeper circa 1997 and it connects to little electrodes I have to stick on myself. "A TENS unit is an electrical impulse generator that is used to relieve post-operative, acute and chronic pain," reads my instruction manual. I'm hoping I can use it during the day and then only take pain medication at night. Apparently they're not completely sure why TENS works and there are limited studies about its effectiveness. I will say that when it is running I feel the buzz sensation of the machine and it does seem to "block" the actual pain I'm in, which is a deep, burny pain.

More about TENS from my machine's manual:
How does TENS work?
"TENS, or Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation, means the transmission of small electrical pulses through the skin to the underlying peripheral nerves. TENS is thought to work in two different ways.

First, "high frequency" continuous, mild, electrical activity may block the pain signal travelin to the brain. Brain cells perceive pain. If the pain signal does not get through to the brain, the pain is not "felt".

The second way TENS is thought to work is by stimulating the body's own natural pain-control mechanism. "Low frequency" or short bursts of mild, electrical activity may cause the body to release its own pain erasers, called beta endorphins."

I'm getting better at crutching, definitely moving faster than Day 2. I feel a lot more mobile and my bruising is already gone. I was happy that I finally got out to drive myself around, and I'm feeling more confident about going back to work and school. Like I said, I'm still in pain but it is manageable, then again I've been "managing" life with pain since last October. It's hard to believe that at this time a week ago I was lying in bed at the hospital completely miserable. Feeling much more positive compared to that experience!

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Surgery Day

On Sunday I turned 26. On Monday I had hip surgery.

I got up at 4:50am and took the last shower I knew I was going to fully enjoy for quite awhile. I took my time and shaved and just stood there in the scalding hot water, relishing it. We got to the hospital for 6am and I tried my best to keep it together. We got to the SurgiCenter and a very sweet nurse took me to my pre-op area. She would be the first of many amazing nurses I'd come across at Milford Hospital. She saw how nervous I was and did her best to calm me down, she didn't talk down to me (like a lot of medical staff tend to do) and put on extra blankets because I was already shivering. Scott came to say goodbye but the anesthesiologist doctor decided it was time to do my epidural and Scott had to leave. I started crying and that bought me a few more minutes with Scott. I vividly remember looking up and him, sobbing, scared and just wanting to be held.

The spinal was awful. I don't care what the hell the Russian doctor and over enthusiastic assistant he had tried to tell me. That shit hurt. Even on the Valium or whatever he put in my IV to calm me down I just wanted to rip the assistant's throat open with my hands as she braced me, repeating in a sickly sweet fake voice "SEE it's not so bad!?!" while the doctor shoved a needle in my spine. After that I met my anesthesiologist nurse and I was rolled down the hallway to the operating room. I looked up while people in scrubs walked around me and it was just like the movies. So surreal. I remember entering the OR and looking over at the "table" which was really a bunch of platforms and the foot braces that they would lock me in. I looked up at the giant lights and I thought back to alien abduction movies. Then I looked over to Dr. Schachter setting up the video screen for the camera. "So you gonna record it for me?" I asked. He said something about taking stills of the best shots or something and then...

I woke up in the recovery room shaking uncontrollably. One nurse there, who knows what I said to get her to like me so much, but she really took a shining to me. She piled warm blanket after warm blanket to get me to stop shivering. I always shiver after anesthesia but never this bad. Then I realized my throat was so sore. Not just sore but it felt like there was glass in there every time I tried to talk. She kept giving me sips of ginger-ale through a straw. She talked to me, asked me some questions. I told her how I lived in New Haven and we talked about restaurant week. I remember her telling the nurse upstairs who'd be taking care of me that I was "just a kid" several times and that I was a triathlete and made sure my boyfriend was in my room. When they wheeled me out she said something about how rare it was to get such a sweet kid in the recovery room and wished me the best of luck. I wish I knew a way to tell her thanks for being so comforting.

I was wheeled into my hospital room and I was so relieved to see Scott there. He was equally relieved to see me. I found out it was 3pm and I had been in the OR for 5 hours. That was two hours more than I remember them telling me it would take. Scott, my parents, his parents had all been worried because they expected me to be out much sooner. The tear was bigger than expected and I would find out later, bigger than average. Usually it takes 2 - 3 staples to repair a tear, mine took 4. My doctor said that when they put the camera in, the cartilage was flapping around in front of the camera. As promised, he took stills of the video for me. It looks like fish and the "staples" look like the plastic twine you use to tie down a pool tarp. My friend Kelly said the stills look like "a whale's vagina". Enjoy that image.

After I had finally stopped shivering, the worst symptom from the surgery was the sore throat from having the tubes put down my throat. I was drinking water, ginger-ale and chewing on ice chips trying to make my throat feel better. Scott went for a walk and came across a Carvel and brought me icecream. :) I didn't think I'd eat the whole thing but I did, it was so sweet of him. The nurses also gave me lozenges but nothing seemed to help my throat.

A few hours after surgery I realized that I was allergic to the epidural medicine. I couldn't stop itching. I couldn't feel my hip at all but the sore throat and the itching were too much to bear. There were even places on my skin where I had broken out in hives. The nurses gave me Benadryl but nothing seemed to help. I would try to sleep but I was overwhelmed by crazy, fast-cut editing visions of nonsense that freaked me out. I would look over to the wood cabinet in the room and it would swirl, warp, become fuzzy in places. I thought I was going insane. I would "fall asleep" and wake up hoping an hour had passed and it was only 15 minutes. I remember being so incredibly lonely.

After dealing with the extreme itchiness and sore throat for several hours I just broke down in tears. The nurses asked me what was wrong (like I hadn't been complaining for hours) and I could barely speak, all I could say was "I'm... so... fucking... miserable... I'm.... so... itchy, my throat... I can't... sleep..." Finally they called a doctor who recommended they stop the epidural drip. I spent the rest of the night watching TV, checking Facebook and Twitter on my phone and just hoping for the itchiness to subside and for 8am to come because that's when I knew I'd get breakfast, people would be coming to give me PT or whatever, and most importantly Scott would be there soon.

Next post will be about Day 2 and hopefully after that my successful recovery.

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