Sunday, May 3, 2009

Lazy Slob Returns

Every few months or so, the old lazy me comes back to visit. I guess the medical term is depression, but that's depressing. So I'm sticking with "lazy slob". I don't care about doing laundry, or the state of my room, eating healthy or even working out. I don't care about hanging out with friends or talking to them. It's when I slack on replying to texts or emails. I don't care. I don't even think that much. I just exist, and not much else. I was inundated with changes and nonsense at work this week. The end of the month always sees an influx of changes to be made for the next month's promotions. Maybe this brought it on? Not sure.

It's probably a whole host of things, all too personal to really go into in depth here. They say broken hearts heal with time, and it's true. But every now and again something will come up to make me realize that what I had was something really hard to find. So Thursday, instead of going to my computrainer class, worn down from craziness at work, I caved and went to happy hour. I really only wanted one 20oz bottle of Asahi Super Dry. The bartender was kind of an idiot, and placed another bottle after I had finished the first in front of me, literally when my head was turned. She didn't ask me if I wanted another, she just put it there. How do you return an open bottle? I don't know but I should have. 40z of beer to me is dangerous. I cross the line of being able to stop drinking. So I continued down my path of inebriation with white russians. Ugh.

Thursday's unexpected rest day became Friday's unexpected rest day. Saturday brought a miserable morning, and my stomach still doesn't feel right. Defeated, I let 3 days in a row go by without doing anything active. Instead of feeling refreshed I just feel gross, lazy and sluggish. My blood has become molasses, my body too heavy to push myself to a gym. I hate feeling like this. Today I plan to break the cycle with a 40mi ride with my old friend Deborah. We went to the same church, well her dad was the minister, way way back when my parents were able to make me go to church. It's been over 10 years, but we both happened to end up into the same things and living half an hour from each other. Funny how things work out that way. It's probably going to rain and be miserable, but fuck it. Seriously, I need to move and I need to remember why I started doing all this in the first place.

I've avoided writing about this aspect of my life for awhile now. I debated airing this in a searchable public forum, but I think to understand me and why I run, bike, swim and fight, this is a major part of it. I don't know why I drink myself to an oblivion once every 2 - 3 months. I would go back to being straight edge but when I do drink moderately, it's nice. It's nice to have a mojito on a hot summer day. It's nice to have a cold Smithwick's after a long bike ride. What's not cool is drinking until I black out, and feeling hungover for days. My body is just sensitive to it, it's undeniable. People think I'm exaggerating when I say I feel off or hungover for days, but then they see it for themselves and realize it's no joke. I'm still trying to figure out whether I can just learn to wise up and be careful, or if I really need to avoid alcohol altogether. I hope to find the answer to this someday, but I think it's just one of those things I'll struggle with forever.

In other less depressing news, my garden is still going strong!

Sprouted Seedlings!

Mojito Mint, transplanted from my backyard.

Basil and Tomato Seedlings from the Farmer's Market join the mint and pansies


Krista May 3, 2009 at 3:19 PM  

Thanks for sharing - I'm sure this was hard to write. An important step to recovery is self awareness and it sounds like you have that. I hope you have a great bike today!